


the shadow i once was

by namjoonilu



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: M/M, Other, he commits suicide but kind of reincarnates with asra and the gang, he gets a redemption arc, it's complicated - Freeform, it's was a creative writing test and I still wait for lucio's route, poor Lucio, uggghhh, um also there's a mc in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-03-05
Packaged: 2019-11-12 08:50:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18007712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namjoonilu/pseuds/namjoonilu
Summary: lucio's sick of it.( set after the incident™, the ritual and stuff and i assume Lucio didn't die and they let him stay cause he was too sick. )





	the shadow i once was

it's weak, he knows, but no matter how rich or respected or hated he is, he knows he's clinging on desperately, pathetically, on the complicated feelings of slight affection that they have for him, unlike the cocky and spoiled demeanour he is.

they stay because of their hearts, but lucio knows it's weak, the love's- if that could even be called love- is so fragile, weak enough for them to actually let him go and walk forward without looking back. but everyday he hopes, clings unlike himself, for their affection and care.

nadia, after the incidents, doesn't talk to him much. they're still married by law, but she spends her time over vesuvia and her court. lucio doesn't blame her, but he treasures everytime nadia sends a servant to come in to give him his tea than not at all. if he's lucky, he'll see her slight smile, before looking away. 

at this point no one talks to him much except for the servants, and those are forced summons from nadia or him. his place in vesuvia is useless, he is not a count by respect. he hates himself, stays in his room all day with the curtains drawn but the sun shining through the window. 

he does get sick most of the time, probably because of the after effects of the curse, and lucio knows everyone thinks he's a burden. but he craves, and he takes greedily, whatever feeling is left for him. 

on rare occasion, he goes out to the maze, wandering within. the servants all bow, but it doesn't have the same feeling anymore. they leave him alone in the maze quickly, and he is lost there within the leaves.

lucio spends more and more of his time in the maze after he found the fountain. he sees the apprentice's name carved on a nearby tree, he sees a slither of blue within the branches. this place is not his, and who knew how much it contained. but he spends a lot of time there, just breathing, for hours. the servants don't bother to check on him, and he is alone.

once, julian meets him there, at the fountain, rather accidentally. he stumbles through the last passageway and stops, quite abruptly when he sees him. lucio sees him too. he doesn't know how to react, to see his past doctor- they have too much history. so lucio tries his best to smile at him, however rather tiredly, and julian looks disorientated. lucio leaves the fountain and him, for good. he doesn't want to cause julian anymore trouble.

he wanders the hallways, lavish and sparkling, a cruel and constant reminder of the past and the present both. he lingers in the hallway to his room like a ghost. lucio has trained his footsteps to be as light as possible- he might as well be a real ghost considering no one bothers about his existence. he dwells on the paintings, all new, some old, if not destroyed by the incidents. the big painting hanging in the dining room is still there, the goat's red eyes staring unnervingly at him and making him shudder. lucio wonders, and wonders, and thinks. 

he is a ghost, a shadow, a shell of his self. nadia goes on with her life, the apprentice- he heard within the servants' gossip the heroine was called reyna- comes and visits and talks with asra in the hall, on the balcony, sharing laughs with asra and nadia. asra appears at the fountain sometimes, taking lucio aback. he never says much, but lucio senses the pity in his gaze. and he doesn't like it, but clings to it all the same, cause it's the only mark and evidence that someone cared.

he starts talking to the paintings. to himself. to the bare walls in his room, to the water in the fountain. all to keep him alive. lucio visits the library, his makeshift abode. he doesn't go near the mechanism to the dungeon- he just wanders, again. he wanders, and thinks, and talks. he flips through the pages of a book reverently, the magic- magic-! aura and the comforting smell from slightly dusty tomes. julian's table is swept clean, so is asra's nest of pillows. lucio thinks he isn't supposed to be here anymore, intruding on a personal memory kept in time. the dust shines through the window and lands on the wood of julian's desk, and lucio knows that nothing belongs to him anymore.

he longs to go outside again, as in outside- the markets of vesuvia and so on. but he knows people don't want him. he is not the ruler they want, however he still is, only thanks to nadia's position. wants to get out from this time warped prison. the colors of the jewels getting too bright for him. the silk getting too smooth and taking a dreamy and lucid quality to it. he needs a reminder to his reality.

lucio plans. he takes on a hood, runs out from the other passageway in the maze. he's sure asra saw him, but he doesn't care. he needs reprieve. he sees the people, the different textures brushing across his skin, hears the bustling sounds, and it's so overwhelming from his years in the palace he almost cries on the spot. he walks on, blending in effortlessly. he longs to speak to others, maybe sit down and get something worthwhile to remember this before it fades away in the luxury that he is sick of. but lucio knows he can't be greedy. no, he can't. he has lost, and he has sowed his own fate. so lucio keeps the burning urge tucked in within the seams of his hood, and goes back to the palace, the same route as before.

lucio does cry. he hates himself even more, cause he knows the previous lucio, the better lucio never cried and succumbed to weakness as this. but he finds himself with tears dripping into the water of the fountain, distorting the moonlight's reflection with ripples. he doesn't cry a lot, but it is more than enough. lucio is weak. lucio is pathetic. he is not what he used to be. he stays there, until dawn comes, and with dried tear stains on his pallid cheeks.

his reflection in the water is so, so different from what he was before the incident, before everything started. his hair is no longer slicked back and healthy- it has lost its sheen and color and resided to a dull blonde, slightly messy but lucio finds himself shocked to say he doesn't care anymore. his eyes almost match julian's, with eyebags, and bloodshot, however not as noticeable. it's not lucio, he thinks. but it is him all the same.

nadia drops in one day. it surprises him so much he almost trips over from getting up from his bed- it disgusts him partially cause the old lucio never ever though of doing that, but again, how is he lucio anymore? his wife gives the faintest of smiles in return as they sit down for tea. he lets nadia call for the servants, while he watches his wife change into something vastly different, and better, from the past. she is civil; lucio soaks in all the care, fake or not- it's the closest thing he'll ever get in forever. he asks about asra, julian, reyna in a soft voice- asks about her too, and vesuvia. it puzzles him as the old lucio never had a 'soft' voice, neither act and trip over heels for someone, much less his wife. nadia talks about the recent affairs, the court, valdemar and vorta, asra and julian getting together, reyna taking in a new apprentice. he muses at the years that passed by.

it ends so fast, lucio thinks, but sees her leave, her posture regal and confident. the servants clear the table, and he is left there again. alone, with himself and his thoughts.

it's been so long since he had someone talk to him. once during his wander, he had knocked into asra promptly. may have fallen down, landed on his ass. who knew the mighty count lucio could fall so ungracefully, or even fall at all. he got up on shaky limbs ( he's really getting sick these days ) flashes a weary smile to the divine magician. he sees asra is glowing, his hair still the same fluffy white and eyes still with a sparkle. how others have flourished and moved on to greater days, leaving him behind.

he's about to turn away but asra speaks up, and it almost shocks him. he's forgotten how asra sounded like, but it brings him back to the past again, before all the incidents. with julian. 'count. i assume you have been well?' and lucio halts, but still faces him.

'shouldn't need to call me count anymore, magician.' he says, almost scoffs at the polite talk. been well? just look at me and say that without lying. 'lucio then, i hope you don't mind. it's different than old days.' taking lucio's nod as a response, the magician continues on.

'i was going to extend an invitation to you, you are welcome in our shop any time, lucio. cause.. well, reyna says you need more company anyway. lucio?' lucio almost screams. his shop, with all the magic in it? how long, how long, since he has stepped out on the streets from the fleeting, blurred memory long ago?

'oh. well, i guess thanks is in order. i hope i won't inconvenience you, or reyna at all.' asra nods, his lips forming to say something, but stops. lucio buries himself deeper into his imaginary hole in the marble floor.

one month later, he finds himself within asra's shop. there's spices and some tits and tats on the shelves, magic incantations carved into the wood, a strong magic aura exuding from the doors. reyna smiles when she sees him, calls to the back of the shop. 'asra! lucio's here.' and she gives him the brightest smile he ever seen within his entire lifetime. lucio feels overwhelmed, he doesn't know how he kept it under control, but he's thankful for not weeping on the spot. asra meets him a few moments later, smiling a little. 'nice to see you, lucio. thought you forgot about my offer.' lucio shrugs, gives a wan smile back. 'i might as well see others before i leave.' 'leave?' reyna questions, but lucio doesn't give an answer. he knows asra probably figured it out already, judging on the sudden purse of his lips. 'queer. nadia didn't tell me anything about a trip.' asra says, but he doesn't pursue the subject further.

asra shuffles the cards in front of him, asks him to pick. lucio is aware his fingers are shaking. it's the same thing that caused his downfall, made him like this, so pathetic and weak. he remembers everything, how it was so tightly knit with the major arcana. why is he doing this?

when they look at the cards he chose, both their eyebrows furrow, asra's and reyna's. lucio doesn't dare look at the cards. it's a mystical thing, a changing and unreliable factor, but determines your fate all the same, he learnt that the hard way.

'lucio...' 'it's okay, asra.' he finds his tongue speaking for him, his legs leaden but he stands up, bows, and leaves. (lucio catches a glimpse of cards, death and justice.) he doesn't recognize tears spilling down his eyes until he reaches the fountain, his abode, and the ripples interrupt the reflection of his face once again.

he will leave. and no one will care anymore, or need to care. he will be a forgotten name, thrown away in the dark recesses of the streets in vesuvia. he's sick, of living like he's dead.

so a few days before he leaves for good, he dons his hood again, and weaves back into the market of vesuvia. he orders something, his voice raspy. it's the pratha, the trademark bread of vesuvia, and he smells it the moment it comes out of the oven. he sits down and eats. watches vesuvia around him. the people. a cat comes and rubs his leg. bells chiming in the distance. 

he wishes he could talk to the vendors like those regulars, bit lucio knows it's something he can never attain. so he isn't greedy. he settles for contented, satisfied, something the old lucio never could have felt. he's just a person, sitting and enjoying vesuvia with a whole lot of complicated history behind him.

the day comes. he tidies his bed by himself, parts the curtain, opens the windows. it's like the ritual last time. but for a good cause. he takes one longing look at the room he has resided in, the memories gushing out at him like a broken dam, skimming in his mind. time is such a complex concept, lucio thinks. he heads to find nadia.

he takes his time observing the hall, the paintings, his dogs. his loyal companions, he will miss then dearly. lucio hopes nadia will take good care of them. he goesthe grand hall, the dining room, the balcony. lucio meets nadia there too. she raises a surprised eyebrow at him, but it's good natured. lucio feels light.

'you will lead vesuvia to a better place, as if you haven't yet, nadia.' she thanks him, but doesn't ask why for the sudden comment. he retreats, then runs down to the garden, his fountain. he spends two or more hours there, watching the sky. the clouds, the leaves falling on his face. he even says goodbye to julian, when he emerges out of the passageway looking disgruntled. he watches his reflection. 

sunset comes, and lucio is ready to leave. it's a daunting height below him, but lucio is not afraid. he wants to fly. he wants to be free, and wash away his guilt. like the pathetic, weak coward he is.

he watches the sky once more. thinks to himself. talks to the blue snake that slithered out of nowhere. ( he thinks he saw it with asra a few times, it's called faust. ) then lucio sighs, but it's content. he's leaving. he's going to be free, from this mortality that chained him. it's ironic, how he wanted to be immortal and ruined his own life with it, and now he's desperate to leave mortality.

just on cue, he hears footsteps. nadia strides up, accompanied by julian and asra. 'lucio! lucio- what in vesuvia you think you're doing-' she screams. asra just looks on, his white locks swaying with the wind, but his gaze is all too sad and understanding. julian's lips are twitching, probably with words he will never say.

he smiles. 'asra, can you fly?' and plunges down, falling back. the last thing he sees is the vast, beautiful sky, and nadia's shocked face, asra staring at him. 

he hears nadia screaming, at asra, at him, at julian, but all lucio feels is darkness, wind cutting into his skin, and he's happy. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he opens his eyes, and blindingly bright light surrounds him. it's almost painful, but he feels light, and happy- indescribably happy that it feels like he's floating. is this euphoria? he thinks. color bleeds into his vision, slowly forming a few faces that look familiar but he's certain he never saw them before.

'hello. who are you?'

the group of strangers help him up from the floor.

'i'm called asra. he's julian, and she's nadia. who are you?'

**Author's Note:**

> this was impromptu i hate my life


End file.
